Can I share most every day - I have tried in the past - but left it alone after a few days.  Funny how that works out.  So maybe now might actually be a good time to start over.  
My daughter is gone to college - so the house is rather empty now, but come the holidays and summer her energy will fill my home once more.

My husband - well he still works 3 days/evenings, and pretty much sleeps all day.  I worry about him, and nag him once in a while about taking his blood sugar levels and whatnot.  He still does not follow thru.  It is his body, his temple, his shrine, and he can treat it anyway he wants to.  Does he want to have a quality life further down the road or not, it is totally up to him, and if he really wants to hang around with me for more than just a few years.  
And I think that is actually it, does he? or does he not?
You ask the question are you happy, are you content, and the answer is always Yes.
But is he still grieving over the marriage that failed, or rather the loss of the wife that said I want you gone.  Is he depressed?  The reason why he really doesn't want to do much any more?  Why he just sits and watches TV. 
Why it is hard for him to pick up, or go thru the clutter that is in his space.  Was he always this way?  I don't know, and there is no one to ask, except for the ex wife -- and I am not going there.  

I remember my daughter saying that she wanted to go Kayaking again this last summer.  Now granted the summer was rather warm - but we never went.  We could have, but he always seemed to come up with an excuse why we could not.  
​
That was a little vent -- It has been on my mind.  I fear sometimes that this will only get worse, and that I will loose him because he doesn't take care of his health.​

Every once in a while, we get snow. Every 5 years or so.

It's quiet, and pretty to look at. The community stops. Because they have to, but I think in many respects, cause they want to.

People seem to slow down more when snow hits Portland. You are more willing to walk rather than drive. Or, in my case, just stay inside.

My daughter and I built a snowman. The day before we sat in the hottub when the snow was falling. I love that.

We tried to blow bubbles and watch them freeze, but it seemed to be a tad bit too warm for that to happen.

I think that most of all. What I'm trying to actually say here, is take each day as a blessing. As it's ment to be. I know we are all teathered to the clock, and the deadlines. But when we are breathing our last few breaths, and we reflect on our life it is moments like this weekend that we will remember... Nothing else.

Last week, over the week, and just what is a week anyway? ....  Anyways Thursday and Friday I participated in a Crafters Fair.  
Where I prefer not to be called a crafter - I have a line that is considered "crafty". Sales were pretty good considering that the people who pull it together, forgot to advertise (Methinks the event snuck up on them) within the building till the day before.  
I am hopeful that next month in Vancouver, WA for the same Organization will be better -- Somehow I was talked into participating, and I have never had the Vancouver experience, so it will be what I make it.   
I ran into several friends, and fellow vendors who I adore over the two days.  I just love connecting with all of them.  I even made new friends!  How wonderful is that? ... one can never have enough friends in the area that you are interested to associate with.

All is Good 

Saturday, my daughter and I went to Live Laugh Love, where she took a glass blowing class.  We have done this before, several times as a matter a fact.  It is always an exciting adventure, and warm, as you are surrounded by the furnaces that keep the glass molten. Today, she chose to make a sun catcher out of a deep turquoise blue with a lighter opal turquoise swirled within.  There was another class in the workroom, that were making flowers -- hmmm... I think I wanna make a flower too!  Next time.  I really enjoy this adventure, and love it when we are able to purchase "Groupon's" to make stuff.  Last year I made ornaments to give as presents.  A little piece of my heart :)  

I managed to put up 24 pints of pears, and begun the process for another 12 half pints of apple butter.  I tried something new with the apple butter receipe, I made it in a crockpot!  -- and had fun doing it.  My partner, would come behind me and swoop up the peelings and take them to compost without me seeing -- what a sweetie! Then! ...  He fixed us dinner Sunday night.  

We are slowly getting the basement straightened around so I don't feel it is that much of a fire hazard -- that is a good feeling.  

Today - this day is Monday - and the beginning of another week, in the life, of ME.  

My Daughter, got her drivers license on Thursday.  Huge deal for her.  It makes me smile.

What tugs at my heart is that she is growing up, and soon (in a few years) will leave the nest.  I knew this when I had children.  They would grow up, Grow away, and become distant.  I am not so sure I am ready.  

So I decided that I needed to make a new habit.  I would take a walk in the neighborhood every morning.  Now granted, it has only been a few days - and the weather has been lovely to do this with.  The real test will be when the weather turns truly winter like.

Lately it seems that I have been rather loosing it.  I am not as sharp as I used to be.  I remember when I used to be able to keep a calendar in my head.  My son has an appointment on such and such a day at 2 pm or my daughter has an appointment on this day.  The school schedule would be a constant - like Monday is early dismissal and Friday is regular dismissal.  

I don't remember things like I used to.  I forget.  What's with that anyway?  I forget my right hand from my left.  I can't speak in fluent sentences.  I get confused easily.  Some days I can't stay on task, other's are stellar.  I go downstairs to get something, by the time I get there I can't remember what it was I went down to get.  

Is this a sign of old age?  Of loosing the memory you thought you had?  

I go driving with my daughter, as she practices her parking.  Do I not pay enough attention as to how she is doing it, cause when she ask's what should I do now, I cannot answer.  I don't remember -- but I remember enough to write this down.  

Am I in the first stages of dementia?  Or am I just becoming scattered, and not so organized.  For just as soon as I get Organized, and I get a system going - I am interrupted for a week or two.  Then I have to start all over again.

Honestly -- this scares me.  

Am I becoming a bit challenged?  or is there not enough to challenge me.  Is it that I am overwhelmed somedays with the amount of stuff that surrounds me?

Feng Shui -- you know that environment art that helps you keep things on task - and things free flowing.  Could it be that I have too much physical stuff in my space and that I should clear some of it out?  To keep my thoughts not so cluttered?  Come to think of it - I do function better in an environment that is rather uncluttered - not so much sterile - but everything in its place.

I go into the area that I call my studio - and I become rather dismayed that everything is not in order, as it used to be.  I look into the space that is my son's and I see the clutter because he doesn't come around much anymore.  Perhaps he would come around if the area was inviting and welcoming?  I guess I need to take care of things down there.  Move things around a bit.

Things to think about, things to do -- meanwhile - I suppose I should keep a diary.  Cause somehow it doesn't feel quite right, my memory.  I remember one time, a doctor prescribed anti depressants for me because I was going thru a really rocky time.  Citalopram, and I only took 10 mg a day for about 6 months.  I never really noticed a change in my mood or behavior, but an acquaintance told me that when he took the Citalopram, he started loosing his short term memory - and that it was hard for him to focus, he couldn't read books like he once was able to, because he would be easily distracted.  To this day he still has these issues, and he has been off the drug for years.  Could that be the case with me?  Although, I have always had issues reading books cause I am easily distracted - always have been, always will be :)  that is just me.  

txt's - sometimes we reach out - to just anyone who will listen - or it seems that our lives hang in the balance of the world of others.  Feeling that we have no real purpose within our own four walls - we reach out. 

When no one responds we panic --  When everyone responds we are overwhelmed.  Is there no happy medium?

Wondering to myself - perhaps it is like a bra.  Finding the right bra is somewhat of a challenge and then what kind of bra do you really want

Are we happy with one with under-wires - the kind that pinch and poke us?  Or one that is just barely there.

Do we want one that gives us a little extra push up so that all the world can see possibly what we have - if anything at all.  

And why is it that we wear bra's to begin with 

to give us support?  To lift and separate?  Or something to wrap around our body to make us feel whole.

Which leads me to ponder that whole question too.  Do we actually need something in our life to make us feel whole?  Cannot we feel whole on our own, without the aid of others?

actually I'm thinking not .....

I know I cannot feel complete unless I have someone to make me feel whole, and I am really grateful for the people in my life who make me feel that I am worthy enough to be in their thoughts and lives.

My children make me feel whole - they make me smile, they make me mad.  They make me wanna throttle them sometimes cause they are being unreasonable.  But i would not be complete without them.

So is the human spirit -- we all have needs.  We all want to feel that we are valid human beings.  We all want someone in our life who will wrap themselves around us like a bra.  Who will lift us up, and separate us from the masses.  They can make us feel pretty and special.  

Someone who will txt us in the middle of the night cause they cant sleep.  Or they wanna sleep but just need to reach out and touch us for a moment to help them get back to sleep.  I am guilty of doing that.  Reaching out in the middle of the night
with a txt

Usually it goes upon sleeping ears.

Sometimes i would txt i love you, and the txt would come back i love you too.

Funny how we have that need -- to be validated -- to know that someone cares.

I remember when Rick and I first started being a couple, and we would have the most wonderful conversations via txt.  Now -- we live together, we have our conversations at the dinner table, and I am comforted by the sounds of him sleeping in the room next door.  Thank you my sweet prince for helping me validate my own existence and to know that I am not just a dust bunny under the bed.

There comes a time, when you just have to succumb to the silence. The lull of the conversation as, there is really nothing to say.
I will sit in the same room as my mother, knowing that she is just content to feel that I am present.
My sister is quiet, I am sure thinking about the friend she wil need to take to the vet this afternoon, and put to sleep. Poor Sophie had a doggie stroke a few days ago and can't get around. It is the best thing to do at this point. I feel her sorrow.

Today -- I get to go visit my mother.  I am looking forward to this.  Even tho she is opinionated and hard to be around [because she is almost 89 for goodness sake] and as a child she was oh so critical of me.  I know that she loves me so so much, and waited so long to actually hold me in her arms as a wee little one close to 58 years ago.

Giving me a question that I have always had.  

Why was she my mother - why was I her daughter?  How come did I get the brother and sisters I got, much less the nieces and nephew - grand niece and nephews.  

Knowing full well it is all spiritual - but also wondering - if it is spiritual, then why are we not better, or more kind to each other.  Why do we take things for granted - or why do we feel that we are entitled to certain behaviors or materialistic objects.

I have a sister, who I believe has paid her dues, and I believe that for once she is in a rescue space that she is entitled to.  I believe that she has found a partner who will nurture her, and make things right.  I know that my mother had voiced discontent when this partner first arrived and stole her away for a few days at a time - but I as I think about it - I think that it was just jealousy, and missing my father.  Then there are those who believe that my sister is being selfish. But that is because they can no longer manipulate her into giving them the items, time, finances they think they are entitled to. 
I don't think that she is selfish - I think that she is healing.  I think that for once, she is finally coming into her own, and not succumbing to what her family or community thinks is good for her.  Only we [as a singular entity], as spiritual being actually know what is good for us - but only if we listen to the inner voices we hear, think, or feel.  

So yay! for my sis -- and yes I get to see her also.  I think that it will be a good visit, even if it is going to be for only a day.  It will still be a good visit.

My Faerie came to see me today -- She brought me a wonderful bag of Lavender.  
Sigh -- It smells so good.  Relaxes the mind and the body.  I clipped it, put the flowers in a container to dry, and the stems I put into another container to perhaps begin to make essential oil with.  
Searching I find several ways to capture the oil from the Lavendar.  Some of it tells me that I need a gas stove [yeah right!]  I think I will do it another way.  I know that there are oils in the stems and the leaves --- mmmmmmm.

Don't want to waste a bit of it.  Even tho I know it is early in the season, still don't want to waste any.

Rick -- Bless him.  Found me a shelf unit that I can use for my holiday bazaar's that I plan on participating in this year.  Fold up shelves that can be accessed from either side.  I think that the yard sale people he found it at did retail for a while.  He said that they used it to display seeds.  how wonderful is that?! as I plan to use it for my Lavender and Rice bags -- 

Today was really a good good day -- not only did I get to see my Faerie [Connie] and my dear partner found me something really useful.  But another friend - who I had almost given up on [and i was thinking really hard about her today - thinking that i needed to send her an email asking what was wrong, and had she given up on me] -- txt and we talked it out.  I am glad to have my friend back.. I hope that she understands that I try never to pass judgement on her or anyone, for that matter.  We plan to have coffee next week .. I sure could use some right now even :)

Dinner tonight -- Just me and Rick - cause Kelsey is spending some quality time with her best friend Logan.  

Iron Horse Restaurant -- 
Love it!
Had coconut Fried Shrimp - chips and salsa - a to die for salad and Rice.  Ice tea to top if off.  Yummmmm
Rick had Jambalaya -- He said it was really really good.

Rick's ex wife never cared for the Iron Horse -- but then she doesn't know much about much - otherwise she wouldn't have set him free now would she have :)  Just sayin ........

But then again - if she hadn't set him free - He wouldn't have me, nor I him - and that would be a sad state of affairs huh.