reflect on days gone past, the future. What would I have done differently what should I do now. My partner and I are pretty happy.
My daughter is pretty well adjusted considering all that she has gone thru in the past 5 years.
My son, well he is just my son. He is a good boy, yet he has no real drive or ambition. I often wonder where he is going in life. I often beat myself up for not making him do more when he was at that age where things matter the most. I should quit comparing my abilities as a parent with those of my friends. I look at my friends children of the same age. See how they are all going to college, and perhaps making an impact on society. I see how they are all driven. Is it because their parents were more involved - where I was just busy trying to make it thru another day in a marriage that wasn't all there. Trying to make it thru a day without crying and wishing I had made a better choice. But we all make choices based on the needs we have at the moment -- I chose my Ex husband cause I was so lonely, and I just wanted to be with someone - he seemed like the best candidate at the time. Little did I know - I would end up more lonely than ever before.
I cannot do over -- I can only encourage to do now.
I shouldn't be hurt cause my son doesn't want to live with me, how he chooses his dad. Even tho his dad is absent. My son feels that his dad needs him. I guess we all need to feel needed, even if it be by the ones who are so absent that it makes you wonder if anyone is home inside. What was the name of that song by Phil Collins? oh yeah - Addicted to Love - the first line goes like this -- Your lights are on, but you're not home --
the rest of the song doesn't pertain to this conversation.
I get emotional -- I weep a little -- but then I dry my tears and accept that this is a normal process of a mother letting go. I don't want to let go. Some mothers want to, but me, no I don't want to. My children make me feel needed and whole. Perhaps I should have had another.
I think that the point is - the thought process that I am processing at the moment is this. I want a do over, even tho I am content with the current event. I have to be content. In order to proceed with the rest of my journey. But, I still want a do over!
I want to re raise my children, especially my son, to be more aware of what surrounds them. To be more compassionate towards the rest of the souls that are walking. I want to do over, and make them more helpful to others, their elders. I want a do over - cause I want to see my children go on to further their education, for knowledge is power -- I want them to have all the advantages that I never had - I don't want them to settle for less than what they are worth