Watching as she walked down the street, bowl in hand, busy eating her cereal. The woman behind her was adjusting her backpack. Not seeming to ever get it right.

Busy lives, stop and walk slowly

Nervous energy... The man sitting down the way drums his fingers along the table
Conversations of great interest

Do you think?
What if...

Releasing the long crush
Wishing you had more of a memory of the person you longed to be close to
Knowing that it would never be
The crush
Admitting that it was just that
A crush
Feeling somewhat like a fool ...
But knowing that you have suddenly grown up
Even thou
You are more than a half a century old at the time

Yet you still wonder what happened to the crush
As you stumble across a picture, or a name
Closing your eyes you recall the scent, the touch, the sound of their voice.
I miss you
Breathing in fully, you let it go again as you exhale

I sit alone in a coffee shop
There are others around,
Several of which sit alone also

Interesting how many of the alone ones protect themselves with books, newspapers or tablets to hide behind. Avoiding eye contact at all costs. Shyly looking away if caught glancing at another.
A child speaks up
I wanna sit there... We always sit right here when we come here. Mama do they have waf waf waffle? Can I have some crayons? I need some juice mama.
Can you say please?
PLEASsssEeeeeee
Mama can I have hot chocolate?

Chocolate, reminds me of the time my son, who was maybe 4. How he reflected on his best friend at the time. Myles, he looks like chocolate, I love chocolate.


A waitress remarks to her co worker, I so need to take a vacation this year. I relate to the feeling. Remembering how it was when I was younger, and never having the finances or time to go anywhere.

As I sit in my solitude, among the many people who surround me. Quietly waiting out the time.

Now I have the finances, and the time is coming soon. Now I'm rather scared to travel, yet I will do it soon. I look forward, yet with hesitation.

The rain pattered quietly on the roof. Darn I was hoping for dry weather today. Shrugging it off, I went about my tasks of putting together a retirement shindig for Rick. Rick has been looking forward to this for the past couple of months, or at least since I posted an event on Facebook. What fun this will be.
I got Kelsey busy putting together some utensil packets which included a napkin, neatly in a small paper sack. The ...ahem... Paper plates and bowls stacked nice and neat on the buffet. Rick fussing over the brisket he prepared on his smoker. And finishing up his aniri wraps.
Weather Canopies are up and every chair in the house is in the front room, more or less.
I am expecting at least 50 at 5ish.

Everyone came, Rick enjoyed himself immensely. I kept having to encourage him to just relax. See, Rick loves to be behind the scenes, instead of the center of attention.

It's was good for him.

It's official, June 21st will be his last day on the floor. July 1st will be his last day on the books.

We are enjoying the planning of activities. The travels we want to take. Getting prepared. I feel a bit awkward heading out on his shirt tails ... As I had not prepared for retirement at all. Figuring that I would just make ends meet with social security, and live very modestly in an apartment in Portland. Not going anywhere but perhaps to the local park. I share this with Rick, and he just smiles, and nods. He understands, as he asks for my thoughts in helping him establish his will.

Rick loves me, I can tell, I know that we work well together. And I smile and kiss him, tell him that I love him also.

We are blessed.

Have you ever thought to wonder if the doctors have got it together?

your diabetic -- the doctor one year tells you to stay away from one thing, then three years later they say oh you should have that.

you want to loose weight - one year it is eat lots of meat and no carbs - the next year is eat no carbs and lots of protein.  Stay away from fruits cause they have sugar in them.  drink things with artificial sweeteners  as you allow the FDA to slowly poison your system.  Eat corn, no don't eat corn, will they ever make up their minds. :)

water weight gain - take a diuretic - don't drink water -  but then if you don't drink water you become dehydrated.

My thought -- Eat what you please, drink what you please.  If it makes it so you don't feel good - then try something else.  Go for mother nature and stay away from the processed stuff that contains chemicals.  Stay away from the middle of the grocery store, and only shop in the perimeter.  How simple is that.  Fast food will kill you (sorry my son who works for Burgerville) food that takes time to prepare will save your life.  

Today for breakfast -- Cottage cheese 2% - with strawberries and bananas.  coffee and 3 large containers of water.  See I seem to be a tad bit dehydrated - my legs, thighs, and stomach muscles cramp on a daily basis.  Sometimes it is rather debilitating.  Over the years it has gotten increasingly worse.  Over the years I have mentioned it to the doctor on my yearly visit - and each time it just goes over their head, and they never suggest a thing - and that is an absoult!    Assuming that it is because the doctor cannot prescribe a "fix" for it they avoid it.  [doctors attached to the pharmaceutical drug companies]  So I take into consideration what I can do as an ordinary person.  I listen to my massage therapist (I love her, she works magic) and my newly found Yoga instructor (she is the BOMB!) 

Life is grand - and it will be so much better once I get over this hurdle.

Oh to be a mother.
This was something that I always longed for.
Before my children came alone - I was afraid I would never be.  

July 26, 1994, when I was 39 I had my son.  What a joy!  Then June 16, 1997 I had my daughter - I was 42 almost 43.  

I know that I was inspiration to a friend of mine who recently had twins at 40 something.  Second marriage for her.  I was thrilled for her.  If I could, I would have another.  I loved being pregnant, feeling life within me.  I loved the baby scent, and they way they would cuddle with you.  Guess I will need another pet when my daughter leaves the nest for college.

It was a grand day - Mothers day.  My partner took me and my children to a brunch.  We laughed and enjoyed each others company.  

I am truly blessed to be a mom - and now that things are very different -- I am even more blessed that my children find joy in remembering Mothers Day and sharing it with me.

Today when I woke, I didn't hurt.  When I landed on the floor, yes my ankles still protested a bit but still -- I didn't hurt.  Two nights ago, my partner and I picked up the mattress from my daughters room at her dads.  We put it on my bed, which has been for the past few years a not so comfortable futon.  Rather hard and difficult to sleep upon.  

See it kinda went like this -- the timeline of sorts.  In July of 2009 I left my ex husband.  We shared the same house because I wanted the kids to have access to their absent father, if in the event that evening or day he chose to be present.  I know ... I am sure that I could have managed the separation / divorce better, but this was my first time (and my last) divorcing with children.  So anyway -- I moved out of the bedroom, into a small bedroom with a twin bed equipped with a twin futon.  For the past 4 years, it seems that I have submitted myself to sleeping on a really hard surface.  Not allowing my body to really rest, but always having to work.  I never slept well.  I guess I felt subconsciously that I wasnt worthy of feeling good.  I haven't slept on a good mattress -- or rather on a mattress -- for four years.  Question is -- what is that all about.  Because I felt guilty about a failed marriage?  Because I did not make the correct choice when I was looking for a suitable man to father children?  What's with that.  Deep inside I felt that I was not worthy so therefor I needed to punish myself?  I don't know.  And I guess that now it really doesn't matter much, since I seem to have fixed the problem without knowing consciously that I was fixing it?

what we do subconsciously is pretty interesting.  Like why would I never to to the gym to exercise.  Or try Yoga for instance.  Because -- the small framed humans that I would do the experience with intimidated me.  Why did they intimidate me -- because the majority of my existence here on earth I had been told by the ones that said they loved me and wanted to care for me that I was fat -- and even tho I was pretty -- because I was fat, I was ugly -- society says that fat humans are ugly, therefor not entitled to being accepted in activities that small framed humans do.  My co workers would say things like -- if you would only loose a few pounds you would be so pretty -- you would be so much more accepted -- my mother would say things like "you are so fat - you need to loose weight"  and even when I finally lost, and got to the size of an "8" my mother would still insist on buying me the size 16, because it just couldn't be true that you are that size. 

I guess that the point I am trying to make -- Is that we as lovely humans - put here on this gorgeous planet called Earth for our human experience -  should relish the experience, and not pack around the negative energy that others place upon us -- I am ME, not THEM. I deserve to just have the best that this experience has to offer.  Does it even matter how other view me, I think not.  It is how I view myself that is important -- and it is what I feel that I am worthy of that is the MOST important.  

So with that thought ........... I think I will go outside and have me a cup of coffee in the garden  

Some mornings I sit and just reflect

reflect on days gone past, the future.  What would I have done differently  what should I do now.  My partner and I are pretty happy. 
My daughter is pretty well adjusted considering all that she has gone thru in the past 5 years.  

My son, well he is just my son.  He is a good boy, yet he has no real drive or ambition.  I often wonder where he is going in life.  I often beat myself up for not making him do more when he was at that age where things matter the most.  I should quit comparing my abilities as a parent with those of my friends.  I look at my friends children of the same age.  See how they are all going to college, and perhaps making an impact on society.  I see how they are all driven.  Is it because their parents were more involved - where I was just busy trying to make it thru another day in a marriage that wasn't all there.  Trying to make it thru a day without crying and wishing I had made a better choice.  But we all make choices based on the needs we have at the moment -- I chose my Ex husband cause I was so lonely, and I just wanted to be with someone - he seemed like the best candidate at the time.  Little did I know - I would end up more lonely than ever before.

I cannot do over -- I can only encourage to do now.  

I shouldn't be hurt cause my son doesn't want to live with me, how he chooses his dad.  Even tho his dad is absent.  My son feels that his dad needs him.  I guess we all need to feel needed, even if it be by the ones who are so absent that it makes you wonder if anyone is home inside.  What was the name of that song by Phil Collins?  oh yeah - Addicted to Love - the first line goes like this  -- Your lights are on, but you're not home -- 


the rest of the song doesn't pertain to this conversation.  


I get emotional -- I weep a little -- but then I dry my tears and accept that this is a normal process of a mother letting go.  I don't want to let go.  Some mothers want to, but me, no I don't want to.  My children make me feel needed and whole.  Perhaps I should have had another.

I think that the point is - the thought process that I am processing at the moment is this.  I want a do over, even tho I am content with the current event.  I have to be content.  In order to proceed with the rest of my journey.  But, I still want a do over!  
I want to re raise my children, especially my son, to be more aware of what surrounds them.  To be more compassionate towards the rest of the souls that are walking.  I want to do over, and make them more helpful to others, their elders.  I want a do over - cause I want to see my children go on to further their education, for knowledge is power -- I want them to have all the advantages that I never had - I don't want them to settle for less than what they are worth