See it kinda went like this -- the timeline of sorts. In July of 2009 I left my ex husband. We shared the same house because I wanted the kids to have access to their absent father, if in the event that evening or day he chose to be present. I know ... I am sure that I could have managed the separation / divorce better, but this was my first time (and my last) divorcing with children. So anyway -- I moved out of the bedroom, into a small bedroom with a twin bed equipped with a twin futon. For the past 4 years, it seems that I have submitted myself to sleeping on a really hard surface. Not allowing my body to really rest, but always having to work. I never slept well. I guess I felt subconsciously that I wasnt worthy of feeling good. I haven't slept on a good mattress -- or rather on a mattress -- for four years. Question is -- what is that all about. Because I felt guilty about a failed marriage? Because I did not make the correct choice when I was looking for a suitable man to father children? What's with that. Deep inside I felt that I was not worthy so therefor I needed to punish myself? I don't know. And I guess that now it really doesn't matter much, since I seem to have fixed the problem without knowing consciously that I was fixing it?
what we do subconsciously is pretty interesting. Like why would I never to to the gym to exercise. Or try Yoga for instance. Because -- the small framed humans that I would do the experience with intimidated me. Why did they intimidate me -- because the majority of my existence here on earth I had been told by the ones that said they loved me and wanted to care for me that I was fat -- and even tho I was pretty -- because I was fat, I was ugly -- society says that fat humans are ugly, therefor not entitled to being accepted in activities that small framed humans do. My co workers would say things like -- if you would only loose a few pounds you would be so pretty -- you would be so much more accepted -- my mother would say things like "you are so fat - you need to loose weight" and even when I finally lost, and got to the size of an "8" my mother would still insist on buying me the size 16, because it just couldn't be true that you are that size.
I guess that the point I am trying to make -- Is that we as lovely humans - put here on this gorgeous planet called Earth for our human experience - should relish the experience, and not pack around the negative energy that others place upon us -- I am ME, not THEM. I deserve to just have the best that this experience has to offer. Does it even matter how other view me, I think not. It is how I view myself that is important -- and it is what I feel that I am worthy of that is the MOST important.
So with that thought ........... I think I will go outside and have me a cup of coffee in the garden