Early morning. I have been awake since 5. Rick is at work. Only a few more days now.
Kelsey sleeps, as all teenagers love to do on a weekend.
The cats, well, they are stalking bugs, or dust flecks. Climbing on the tables, countertops. Scheming on how to escape once the door is open. Well, at least the younger one is.
I have been reading this book "Health at Every Size" by Dr. Linda Bacon
So far it is a pretty good read, and I understand that I am not a failure cause I weigh more than what society thinks I should. I believe that once I accept me, for what size I am, and love myself because I am a wonderful human being, I will be much happier in life.
I am learning, not just by reading this book, but by life itself, that we are what others have instilled upon us. Their ideals, their perceptions of how others should look, feel, etc. I have learned over the years, through life experiences that I am who I am, and I need to embrace that.
If I have a different relationship with food, and if I listen, I mean REALLY LISTEN to my body as I eat, I will eat less, enjoy more of what I eat, be full and satisfied. Example .. This morning for breakfast, I chose to cut an apple and have it with cheese. I ate slowly, and I did not finish it. I am full with half my bowl gone. I can save the rest for later if I want.
I was raised in a family where you eat everything on your plate, and Rick is pretty much the same way. Even if you find no enjoyment eating what you are eating, you finish it. Hence, you eat till you can eat no more, and force yourself into eating the last few bites cause they are there. My mother would say, there are starving children in ... Waste not want not ... Rick says, I paid for it, I'm going to eat it, or... It has been in the fridge for a week, I better eat it before it goes bad, and if I add a little hot sauce on it, it will taste better.
I believe you should enjoy what you eat, if you don't like the taste, then don't eat it. I'm that way with my coffee, I only (as a rule) drink the coffee I prepare at home. I don't enjoy the brews that coffee houses prepare... Just that simple. Coffee is my drug of choice, might as well enjoy it the way I like it.
So yes, I believe that I can have a better relationship with me. And I am looking forward to it also.
Kelsey and I have started a yoga class, and attempt to go once a week. I am feeling a bit more flexible, and not so stiff. Yay me!
Next is to utilize the gym membership, once I get over the feelings of intimidation from other gym members. Yes I know, who cares? Well you are reading from a female who could be intimidated off the tennis practice wall if there was a person in the park 500 feet away. So afraid that judgement would be passed by a complete stranger.
I think that it has much to do with confidence, and doing your best to not hear the tapes that your parents, classmates, friends, coworkers, and doctors would say as you evolve. You want to do something, and you are much afraid to ... Cause you might look silly, stupid, make a fool of yourself, embarrassment.
I have a wonderful friend, Juanita, who encouraged me to go on a kayaking adventure with Rick, even tho I was afraid. She asked me, what are you afraid of? I said, cause I'm 50 something, I've never done it before, afraid of looking stupid, and disappointing my friend Rick (cause I believed that he would no longer be my friend if I didn't measure up). She said, "DO IT". You don't know how it will be if you never try. Does Rick make you feel safe?
Yes I said..
Then ... "DO IT"
I did, and had the best time ever. And I think that it really made me look at Rick in another light, as well as made our relationship a whole lot more solid.